my youngest son, "Thing 3," uttered "Grass Oil" to describe what i once made for dinner. what is the Grass Oil blog? my observations about life from my cheap seats where everyone looks like ants. i'm funny, candid and i try to be nice, with some snark for flavor. Grass Oil: simple. random. elegant. there it is. ps – "Things" is a moniker to keep my kids off search engines.
So now I humbly return the favor of continuing our sick obsession with “Silence of the Lambs” lore and all things Jame Gumb (played by the brilliant Ted Devine):
By asking this question of Creepy Baby Hannibal, “let’s say I was having trouble getting a heavy chair into my scary van in a darkly lit parking lot and a nice co-ed offered me some help… How many whacks, truly, Baby Hannibal, does it take to knock someone out?”
Baby Hannibal was mum. I mean Gumb D’OH! I mean dumb. No, that’s not PC. I mean mute. No, I mean quiet. No, silent. As in Silence of the Lambs… ya like that?
I see it happen on cop shows all the time… usually it’s one well-timed and exquisitely positioned hit to the area behind the head near the shoulder with a bare hand, the butt of a gun, a night stick and / or a guillotine (just to be sure) — I won’t go into my questions about beheading — I saw “Braveheart” and “The Other Boleyn Girl” and I have to say … I just don’t think that’s possible.
So here are some frightening Google results on the search, “how possible is it to knock someone out with one hit to the head” (as you can surmise, I’m not fluent in the vernacular of street beatings):
So then I tried this way (because I still have my doubts despite the DIY videos): “knocking people out with one hit to the head is a lie”:
And because I’m a middle child of three kids (which means I perpetually doubt my reality) and I have three boys myself and I believe in the Holy Trinity (at least that’s where I got married) and a new pope was elected yesterday, I ask The Google this, “is it really possible to knock someone unconscious with one hit to the head”:
And then just one more time, I asked this, “Are you sure?” and this is what I got: (2.5 BILLION results in less than half a second):
See, The Google had to think about it a little more; it wasn’t quite as sure about being sure as it was about telling me how possible it is to hit knock someone unconscious with a single blow to the head. But by that point, I didn’t want to know anymore.
Thank you for reading. That’s four minutes you’ll never get back. I hope it was fun for you.
I have mine; you have yours. Maybe some of mine will remind you of some of yours.
There is no way I can include them all, but these are the ones that I love most of the time, because I remember them so often. I picked the lines I did because I they are more obscure than the more popular lines and I am hopeful that when you read them, you’ll be taken back to your favorite moment in the film. Without further ado, in no particular order:
We’ve come for your daughter, Chuck.
Somebody blows their nose and you want to keep it?
Throw me the idol, I give you the whip.
This town needs an enema!
They pull a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue.
We released ourselves on our own recognizance.
They fuck you at the drive-thru!
This house is clean.
This is U.S. History, I see the globe right there.
I wish we could just run away.
I’ve never seen sugar do that.
There are some who call me … Tim?
I don’t know, Sparks. But I guess I’d say if it is just us… seems like an awful waste of space.
Listen, I haven’t got a lot of time, but if you love your country, if you’re a patriot, you’ll listen and you’ll listen hard. I’ve got to get to a phone and you gotta make a call.
How much you wanna bet I can throw this football over them mountains?
Once you have a man with no legs, you never go back, baby.
I think this boy’s cheese has done slid off his cracker.
Eunice? There’s a person named Eunice?
But why is the rum gone?
My problem is that it’s 2 A.M. My problem is I’m asleep. I’m on a tour bus with eight stinkin’ men. Rule number one: Don’t propose to a girl on a bus, you got that? Rule number two: Don’t tell her it’s because you had a bad dream.
That’s the beauty of it. I wake up one day, I don’t know where I’m gonna’ end up or who I’m gonna’ meet.
The time for honoring yourself will soon be at an end.
Well, you can’t never let anything happen to him. Then nothing would ever happen to him. Not much fun for little Harpo.
You killed the car.
There’s your Chinaman, Fred.
Well, man from health department say he find rat pellet in pastry but I say no, is big chocolate sprinkle, but he shut store down. So we clean up, make big cookie for to bring customers back.
You, ‘Flock of Seagulls,’ you know why we’re here? Why don’t you tell my man Vincent where you got the shit hid at?
I love my dead gay son.
There’s a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. It would be a pity to damage yours.
And this lamp… that’s all I need.
Here’s to swimming with bow-legged women.
Put a sock in it, boy, or else you’ll be outta here like shit through a goose.
Mother Nature just pissed her pantsuit!
The only way somebody would get that would be to chop off my – finger. Let’s go down to the garden and find out what’s buried there.
Young, young man. Did anyone ever tell you you look like a young prince out of the ‘Arabian Nights’?
Can you name the movies? Here are the answers…
Beetlejuice
Ghostbusters
Raider of the Lost Ark
Batman (Tim Burton)
The Untouchables
Raising Arizona
Beverly Hills Cop
Poltergeist
Fast Times at Ridgemont High
The Great Gatsby
Men in Black
Monty Python’s Quest for the Holy Grail
Contact
It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World
Napoleon Dynamite
Trading Places
The Green Mile
What’s Up Doc?
Pirates of the Caribbean
Walk the Line
Titanic
Gladiator
Finding Nemo
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
Sixteen Candles
Bruce Almighty
Pulp Fiction
Heathers
The Princess Bride
The Jerk
JAWS
Animal House
Tropic Thunder
Rear Window
Streetcar Named Desire
This list isn’t exhaustive of my favorite movies, but they are all favorites. My favorite on the list? Impossible to decide. But the one that makes my whole family including the surly teenager laugh is “What’s Up Doc?” You can’t go wrong, ever with that one. And the clothes? Oh! To die for.
I’m back to introduce you to some of the friends I’ve made online.
They are writers, artists, imbibers, teetotalers, scoundrels and healers — every single one of ’em.
I have recently been the lucky recipient of three awards: The Liebster (again! thankew-thankew!) Award; the Versatile Blogger Award and the Very Inspiring Blogger Award. Each of these awards has their own criterion and I’m supposed to let each winner know they’ve won. I’m a little overwhelmed by that and I don’t want to have both my readers resent me for glutting their inbox (were they brave enough to subject themselves to a mail subscription, you poor dears) so I’m trying to figure out a way to put each category on the same post. It might be possible.
I possess genius, so it is possible.
Wait… wait. If you’re coming to this post and looking for your award, please go back home and hide under your bed.
No, there’s gotta be a simpler way to do this… I’m sure I’m breaking all manner of rules in doing it this way, but I’m out of ideas… please read this post– especially if I linked you back to me. If you see yourself listed, feel free to participate. And if you do, click on the art and add it to your post when you recommend other bloggers. (If you have technical problems with this, please let me know.)
If not, know that I love you anyway and that I’ll always be proud of those moments we shared in biology class with the bunsen burner. My scars are almost invisible now. Yours?
Let’s get going…
Liebster Blogger Award: I was nominated for this by a tribal partner, Lillian Connelly, at It’s A Dome Life. She writes. She paints. She’s a Mom. She lives in a dome. I couldn’t be prouder and I adore her. I appreciate the honor.
The catch is, however, that it’s a chain letter wrapped in an award. It should be the other way around if it’s truly a chain letter: you get the award AFTER you submit to all the copying, inserting the dollar, addressing and stamping. I’m waiting for some sort of Internet Act to come along and prohibit these events. But in the meantime, we will push through. Thank you It’s a Dome Life for the nod!
The Rules
Each person must post 11 things about themselves.
Answer the 11 questions the person giving the award has set for you.
Create 11 questions for the people you will be giving the award to.
Choose 11 people to award and send them a link to your post. Go to their page and tell them.
No tag backs.
11 Facts about me
I have a thing about sharpened kitchen knives. If it is not sharp, I won’t use it. I have spent a modest sum on sharpening devices.
I like to vacuum. When I do no one comes near me. Just like when I sharpen knives. Sometimes I vacuum when the knives are sharp.
I have two cats: Gandalf the Gray and Beezer Elizabeth Googleberry Nut-head.
My dog Murphy is my best friend. He knows everything about me and won’t tell anyone.
I insist on good lighting in the kitchen. No lighting, no me.
I wrote a book over the summer. It’s sitting in a binder on my shelf. Still. Needs work.
I love Starbucks Green Tea Frappucinos; no whip.
I have a ton of exercise equipment in my house. What do I use most these days? The sculling shell at the boathouse or my yoga mat.
I love listening to comedians on the radio and my TV seldom leaves NBC.
I have two brothers, three sons and no sister or daughter.
I love lemon cake with chocolate frosting.
My 11 Questions to answer
What’s better, being an adult or being a child? Being alive.
How many pairs of shoes do you own? Do sandals and boots count or are we going strictly shoes? Less than 30.
If space travel became possible for the average person, would you go? No.
If you were given a large sum of money to donate to a charity of your choice, which charity would you choose? Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation; people make jokes about diabetes — it’s not funny, trust me.
Reality TV: Good or Bad? Good but only if you don’t watch it; then it’s terrible.
If you could be a character in a book which character would you be and why? I would be Scarlett O’Hara because we’re both moxie-filled limit-pushers.
What is the weirdest food you have ever eaten? I’d have to say the tiny squid also known as calamari.
What laundry detergent do you use? Random. I use Arm & Hammer with OxiClean boost, if you must know.
Do you think aliens exist? Yes. Just not here. That would be weird. Although I do suspect some people in my ‘hood….
Chocolate or Vanilla? Yes.
What is the worst job you have ever had? I worked for a government contractor … no that wasn’t me. I worked at a shoe store in high school and the Old Men (in their 40s!) I worked with were slimy and disgusting. They said something about “not kicking her [me] out of bed for eating crackers” and I was all like, “Why would I get kicked out of bed for eating crackers, bitches?”
My Questions for the future Liebsters:
Are you a dog, bird or cat person? Why
Favorite ice cream presentation: hard packed or soft serve? Cake cone or sugar cone?
Favorite time of day: dawn or eventide?
What do you like most in others?
What is the most frustrating part of your craft?
What do you do for exercise?
What is your favorite personal quality in yourself?
Is where you are right now in your life where you expected to be?
What would you change, if you could, about your life per your answer above?
What is the greatest sorrow you have experienced?
What is your greatest joy?
11 People I’m Awarding (in no particular rank, order or preference):
Stacie Brown – she’s a single mom working full time and getting her degree… in Texas! show this girl some love!
lifeloveandyoga – her style reminds me of my writing sometimes, ‘cept she’s more concise.
Susanne’s world – her journey is her own and she’s the queen of “ohana”; she gets what it means when we say “family.”
Storeylines – great writer, great spirit and a story or two to tell; check out her stories about her fledgling nun-dom.
Love your Movies – cool reviews and comments; and not just about new releases. Today, they’re chatting about “The Shawshank Redemption,” one of my personal favorites.
Not Blessed Mama – she defends places like Chuck E. Cheese with reason and intelligence. just don’t go on weekends.
Bucket List Publications – fun pics of what you’d do if you had a bucket list. She’s 31 and has been to 34 countries. check her out and submit your pics too….
Her Royal Wineness – she’s back writing a blog and her restrictive family has no idea this time!
Mommy Drinks Because You Cry – i love this person. she’s funny as crap. and yes, crap is funny. poor thing, she’s part of the tribe.
DeBie Hive – because we were separated at birth. tribe member… i love her.
Good Geek Ranting – because he’s hilarious and out of the boxy; you need hilarious and out of the boxy. You just do.
Happy Liebstering! Winners: Click on the image above and paste into your post (should you decide to write one). And you can put it as a badge on your blog. Please don’t hate me!
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Versatile Blogger Award: Again, I’d like to thank the lovely Lillian Connelly at It’s A Dome Life for this honor. She’s a sweetie! 🙂 If you haven’t checked her out yet, do. She’s an amazing artist. I mean, like …. amazing and she mostly taught herself which to me is cosmically unfair. She reminds me of what we can do when we have a pencil, some time and patience.
I also think she was really including me in this (as an extra credit bonus) because if there’s one thing I am, it’s versatile, which is: adaptable, flexible, all-around, multifaceted, multitalented, resourceful; adjustable, multipurpose, all-purpose, handy; rare polytropic. I also think it’s a really nice way of saying I’m completely random. Which is sorta like life, now ain’t it?
How It Works:
If you are nominated, you’ve been awarded the Versatile Blogger award.
Thank the blogger who nominated you and include a link to their site.
Copy and paste the award to your blog.
Share 7 random facts about yourself.
Nominate 15 bloggers that you’ve recently discovered or follow regularly and include a link to their site.
Let the other Bloggers know that you have nominated them.
So now I am supposed to tell you seven random facts about myself, so here goes:
When Lillian disclosed that she had a box full of cards and personal memorabilia in her basement, she reminded me that I do too and that I wish to have mine completely untouched and cremated with me after I die.
I get bent out of shape every once in a while (read: frequently) about the lack of ecological awareness everywhere and that people STILL use bottled water…
I still have a pair of rollerblades in my closet.
I plan to wear my GPS watch during an entire day to see how much I walk around and do on this planet on a typical day.
I have two cats (I told you about them above) and I like one way more than the other. One is nice, the other’s a dick.
My favorite color is periwinkle.
I have an affection for anything green tea scented, flavored, or colored; I love the smell of fresh cut grass.
I want to decoupage my powder room in The New Yorker covers; the illustrated girl on the cover from my birthday in 2006 looks like me (and yes, I would manage to get my luggage trapped in a revolving door)*:
*This one is for extra credit. (Lillian did an extra credit one, I wanted to too)
Here are 11 Bloggers (the original is 15, but I’m consolidating 3 posts / 3 awards into one post, so I get to say how this goes down) I Nominate because of their versatility and awesomeness:
August McLaughlin – she’s a writer’s writer, former (should still be, she’s gorgeous) model, and she knows a lot about nutrition. I’m hooked.
Clotilda Jamcracker – just go to her; she’s amazing and her ability to turn a story from one incident into another is a delightful thing to witness. with a name like “Clotilda Jamcracker” you can’t lose… you know this.
Happiness in this World – a buddhist physician who’s seeking out happiness in America. ’nuff said; he’s publishing a book this fall, The Undefeated Mind; I’ve been following Dr. Lickerman for about three years; he’s pretty cool and swift.
Health Demystified – another medical / health fitness resource. Eric is a doctoral candidate in pharmacology this year.
The Weiler Psi – woo-woo stuff, very cool, about psychics and skeptics and woo-woo.
The Truth Warrior – Right now, he’s probably still in Spain after being let go from his job a couple months ago. He decided to live the life he has; check him out. I hope we’ll hear back from him soon.
…the lucky one… – and she is. I know Elisa personally and she’s an inspiration to me daily. She’s like 15 minutes old and she’s already achieved so much. Elisa for president (when she’s old enough) – she is about to launch a holistic food and wellness company… check her out.
Peevish Penman – they are writers who write about writing in a way that makes you want to write even if you think you can’t. The current post, “Are You a Real Writer?” is ha-ha-hilarious.
Plucky Chicken Heart – Mari is a funny lady who won my heart with her cartoony periwinkle cat; now she’s into graffiti-ing pages out of vintage editions of Dickens; she’s a gal after my own plucky heart, what can I say?
hovercraftdoggy – these people barely use words but their pics are cool and design-y. fun, whimsical and uplifting images.
Stuff Worth Talking About – Doug Kleeman won me over with his post, “The Limitations of ‘Like’” – he’s got a good bead on how media and branding shape our world; if you’re asleep on this subject, don’t worry: Doug’s not.
Enjoy your rewards, people! I hope you can convince the people in your life how special you are and that you deserve celebrity status today. Put the button on your blog with pride.
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And last but not least (in the least)
The Very Inspiring Blogger Award (Keeping the Blogosphere a Beautiful Place) : This one goes back to last month when the lovely Stacie Brown (from above – I’m just cutting and pasting as it’s 9:42pm my blah blah time and I’m about ready to take blah blah hostages on this post: Stacie Brown – she’s a single mom working full time and getting her degree… in Texas! show this girl some love!…) was kind enough to blah blah nominate me. And she was. And she still is kind enough! I’m just sorta beat… I’ve been at this on and off since 11am and well, here are the winners I nominate and I love them all blah blah because I compiled this list about 8 hours ago, so I still mean it when I list them!
Here are the rules:
The Very Inspiring Blogger Award is an award given out by people who got one themselves and they give it out to 10 people again and so on…ok this sounds a bit confusing, but read on and you will get it To accept the award you have to follow some steps. They are:
Link back to the person who nominated you (yep done)
Post the award image to your page (done!)
Tell seven facts about yourself (see below)
Nominate 10 other blogs (see below) — JUST TEN!?! I’VE BEEN RESCUED!
Let them know they are nominated
I’ll start with the 7 facts:
Well, wouldn’t ya know it…? I’ve already done the random facts that this award requests and I’ve done the questions. So… let’s get to the heart of the matter, shall we?
Tempo Life Coaching – Carrie is simply cool. She’s a triathlete, a life coach, a mom and a realist. That’s the hottest part of all.
CarrTalks – Jody has been a good friend and mentor to me. She is a published writer, an empath and an intuitive. She has spirit guides (we all do) but she is in communication with hers … and yours if you ask her about them.
Oneanna65 – cancer survivor and funny, grateful writer. She’s great – her attitude is the best: smile smile smile and truth truth truth.
Peggy Arvidson – I’ve known Peggy for about three years. I met her at a Hallowe’en event nearby and she won me over the moment we met; she’s a life coach, she’s also an intuitive and a non-predictive palmist. She knew me a long time ago… we’re sure of it.
Five Little Monkeys – Sarah’s got this writing gig down. She’s a part of my tribe, she’s got a big heart and a positive attitude and FIVE CHILDREN. her oldest is a teenager. Yay… Check her out!
Craughing – “craughing” is the act of crying and laughing simultaneously or y’know close enough in time. if you know the craughing blog already, you’ll know how beautiful and vulnerable she is. If not, you’ll see: she’s got the heart of a lion and the touch of a dove. She’s seen some crazy shit in her life and she’s here to tell us life goes on.
Breathing Space – If I look this good when I’m a grandmother, I’m gonna be so psyched! She’s awesome and she’s all over the map. I dig that. You will too.
Journal of Gorzyisms – She is a traveler, a single mom of a newly teenage son, a vlogger and an artist. She has some cool pics you should check out. And I think she likes orange…
The Winy Child, Inc. – check him out. He’s the real deal: little kid, inspired by Garfield has created his own comicblog.
Oh Boys! – Megan is a mom of two little guys; her posts remind me of the old days and I figure I am proof she can do it…
i’m out. i hear my family laughing at a “30 Rock” rerun. i have to stop now.
Check out these pages sometime and tell them I sent ya…
One of my favorite FAVORITE FAVORITE movies of all time is “Moonstruck.” The film is a masterpiece.
One of my favorite moments in that favorite film is at the end, when the entire family is sitting around the breakfast table. Loretta Castorini (Cher) and her new lover, the brother of her fiancé, Ronny Cammareri (Nick Cage) have yet reveal their very speedy but apparently authentic love for each other and they are waiting for Ronny’s brother, Johnny, to return from his apartment after flying home early from Sicily because his mother has made a miraculous recovery from a life-threatening illness.
Here’s a great clip between Cher and the amazing Olympia Dukakis after Loretta’s return in the morning from her date with Ronny to the Met.
After that doorbell, Loretta’s aunt and uncle come in very concerned because they don’t have their bank bag after giving it to Loretta the day before to make a deposit for them…
Look, if you haven’t seen the movie — I don’t care HOW OLD YOU ARE, you have to. It’s a bucket list item. It really is.
During that scene, more and more things reveal themselves: a silent war between Loretta’s parents, for instance, and things are obviously tense … after a long and uncomfortable pause, Loretta’s grandfather, the patriarch of the family says in a very somber tone, “Sumbuddy tella joke.”
My grandmother was a tremendous pun-maker. I loved her wit and timing. She was very tall and aged when I grew into knowing her, but I loved being with her. She had a gentleness and true concern and fondness for children. She was human, she had her stuff, as we say, but I don’t remember it ever entering the picture other than her preferences that spawned from her OCD affliction. Those preferences were mysterious and confusing, but mostly obeyed (and sometimes mocked) by her grandchildren. Although I do remember one of the cousins submitting to our mob-like curiosity who eventually went upstairs when we were in our teens against Gramma’s numerous request/commands.
this is my mom, me and my gramma (my mom’s mom). i was about three then. no, i was not demonically possessed.
When our cousin came downstairs s/he said (I can’t remember who did it) that it was a normal upstairs bedroom place. Nothing scary or crazy or mysterious. I remember I was sort of let down. No bloody mannequins or chests of gold?
One of my favorite jokes (really puns were her specialty and I love them always because of her) Gramma ever told was “A ham sandwich walks into a bar, sits down and asks for a menu. The bartender says, I’m sorry, but we don’t serve food.”
I realize I have gotten serious on my blog the past few days and while I think that is important to do, I’m also looking for some levity. So, because I have some puns (my dad sent them to me about a two (ack! two!) years ago), I thought I’d share them with you …
Here are some puns to lighten things up around here… a couple are sorta meh, a few are sorta cheesy, a few are excellent and they will all make you have some reaction…. most likely a chuckle or groany chuckle. So, without further ado…
“Puns for Educated Minds”:
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s Round Table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road; she was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
15. The dwarf fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says ‘Dam!’
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Thank you. (I’ll be here all week! Baaaahahahaha!)
To accept the award you have to follow some steps. They are:
Grass Oil by Molly Field 