Dear Stella Artois,

When you start your commercial with the phrase, “We take great care with what goes into our chalice …” please know that a chalice is often a poetic metaphor for a woman’s uterus (anyone who’s read or seen the DaVinci Code can tell you that). Why can’t you just say “beer”?

Though your intention to “stop those journeys” of women in developing countries whose aggregate time is estimated at 200 million hours a day to collect (drinking — my assumption, not stated) water “so they could start new ones of their own” (per Matt Damon in your ad) is noble, the hashtag (an unfortunate blend of technology and idioms which has woven its way into our collective first-world consciousness) #BuyaLadyaDrink fails.

It fails precipitously.

For me, it brings me (I’m in that demographic with the money you seek) back to the days of Frank Sinatra when women were typified in movies, songs and other media in the 50s and 60s “broads” and “dames,” “tramps,” “dragons,” “witches” and worse. When “buying a lady a drink” was the first and easiest way to get her out of her pants. (Now these monikers are even far less charitable as females are routinely referred to “hos” and “bitches” and a slew of other unpleasantries.)

It brings us back When a woman’s “rack” and “build” and “gams” (were) more important than her intellect, accomplishments, efforts and virtue. Instead of empowering women your pitiful hashtag alienates, objectifies and creates yet again a one-way directive of getting a woman intoxicated and filling her uterus with your great care.

And Matt Damon? Wha—? You’ve got four daughters! One of them is named Stella. Is this the link to the beer? Didn’t you think about the message of “Buy a Lady a Drink”?

Sigh.

“Stella Artois.” It sounds as though it’s named after a woman, but it’s not. It “was named Stella from the star of Christmas, and Artois after Sebastian Artois, founder of the brewery.”(Wiki)

Stella Artois was also known as “wife beater” beer in the U.K. back in 2007 because patrons of a local pub who drank Stella Artois exclusively became belligerent. When the pub owner switched to another beer, the belligerence subsided. Your beer is 5.2% alcohol by volume, which means it has a higher alcohol concentrate per serving, hence the angry pub patrons per that article.

I don’t believe you, Stella Artois. I don’t believe you solely want to empower women in developing nations when you want to “buy a lady a drink” in first-world nations. With a tagline like that, I believe you just want to get ladies drunk; just change it to “Get a Lady Drunk” or “Make a Lady See the Stars.”

I won’t go into all the things that historically go wrong when women are “bought” drinks. Nor will I buy your chalice; I will simply donate to http://water.org — cut out the middle “man,” and go straight to the source and spare my cabinets your chalice.

I will thank you for this though: alerting me to the water.org campaign. You win there.

Thank you.