Dear Pampered Chef,

Thank you for this:

Because I needed that to happen. Today. Well, it could have happened on any day, actually. And it sort of did because today isn’t anything special, it’s just a day that I am having like any other. But thanks to the fucking magnificent “Micro Egg Cooker,” which I will now send to my brother for his skeet-shooting practice, it’s a different day.

I did everything I was supposed to.

I used water. Room temperature today.

Before I used cold, so it would warm up together and …. it exploded.

I know if I use hot, why bother?

I watched it through the window.

I stopped it every 20 seconds or so… because I’ve been through this before.

I covered it with that absurd “boil over no more” thing you sell as was recommended by my consultant (whom I adore).

It was only in the microwave for 1:38 or — 98 seconds.

Do you know how long it takes to clean that up?

More than 98 seconds.

It took seven minutes. 420 seconds.

It’s not a huge deal, nor a massive inconvenience, and it’s surely a first-world problem.

I dig a lot of what you manufacture and sell. I even hawked it for a while. But this thing? I should’ve tossed it the first time it did that to me. That was on me, I believed you.

This is on you. But no, it’s still on me, or rather my microwave.

Do you see what it did? It shot that poor little egg all the way out.

Here, look at the ceiling of my microwave:

Just beforehand, I checked the “cooker” (you should re-name it to “launcher” — “Micro Egg Launcher” has a more truthful ring to it doesn’t it?) for signs not three seconds (95 seconds) before it blew up. There were no signs a “homemaker” like I would have seen. I’m not a chemist.

But I did just learn this:

Microwave oven – egg, not a good idea unless..
You must puncture the yolk sack if you are doing any thing with eggs in M/W oven.

The yolk is contained in its sack, liken it to the womb, virtually indestructable,so when you apply ”heat” i.e m/w energy the yolk heats up and like every thing when you heat it, the yolk expands. The ”sack” will stretch so far then burst with considerable ”pressure” and spread yolk into every conceivble nook and crany in side the oven.

Any thing, everthing you put into a microwave oven must be able to expand with out any restrictions.
The rate of expansion varies in differing food substances hence the differing cooking times for foods etc.

Not sure what you can and can’t put in it..
If in doubt leave it out.
If all else fails read the instructions.

But I’m wondering if you knew that — to tell us to lance the yolk sac — I’m GUESSING…… NO.

Perhaps it can be fashioned as a gladiator bra for when I dress up for Hallowe’en.

Perhaps I can use it to hold paperclips of different sizes.

Perhaps I can use it to melt butter.

Perhaps I can do what I said I’ll do: send it away for skeet shooting.

Yes. That’s what it deserves. To go POP! like the eggs it destroys.

Here’s a fun clip for you to watch when you’re counting your cash from the sales of this failure:

One minute. At 45 seconds it starts to crack the shell and ooze.

You recommended 2 minutes, as the average, when I bought this door stop.

There are no complaints online about this device that I can find.

Some devotees say to cook as long as 3 minutes… If I did that, I bet my microwave would be doorless.

Never again, Pampered Chef. Please stop selling this ridiculous device. Oh, these are all my opinions by the way.

Thank you.