I have never “enjoyed” the process of letting people go, of making the decision that cuts them out of my life.
It is incredibly hard. Depending on the depth of the relationship, it can be emotionally devastating. But so can staying with that energy, allowing it to cloud your judgement and color your thoughts.
I was once told that I seem to do it with such ease, that nary a thought occurs to me when I execute such a decision, that I seem cold, heartless and missing the bigger picture: that having sandpaper people in our lives can yield in us a softer and kinder person. That the parable of the pearl, created through agitation, can apply to us humans as well.
I get that. In fact, the phenomenon of a pearl’s creation is one of my most favorite analogies in dealing with life and its moments of intense difficulty.
I also think about bridges and how they snap under too much pressure; I think about how load-bearing walls are there for a reason; I think about how hurricanes and tornadoes and earthquakes and mudslides show us how when enough is enough, it’s often too much.
I have been a jerk to people and they’ve summarily cut me out. I get mad, defensive and feel like they’re insensitive to MY needs, that for some reason, I should be tolerated for epochs and should be able to just chip away at people because hey, “I’m flawed. Love me anyway, ok? Love me for me….”
Why? Why should people love me for me? Are they Jesus? Are they the Dalai Lama? Are they Mother Theresa? No. They are not limitless in their compassion (which means “to co-suffer,” by the way), and often it’s their compassion that needs to kick me to the curb. They need to get out of my way so that I can look at myself in all my idiocy, with all my raw data and no filter to see myself, as I can be: an asshole at times.
Enter nine years of therapy. Being raised by a brilliant, distant, narcissistic, elegant-on-the-outside, tortured-on-the-inside, terrified, caustic parent has prepared me for others like her all my life. I get it now: Mom prepared me all my life to be on the lookout for more people just like her.
Even Mom said to me when I simply couldn’t handle any further duplicity or hurt, “You have nooooooooooo problem just cutting people out of your life…. you just cut them off because you can’t handle what they show you about yourself… You’re not strong…. you’re weak….” and I used to believe that.
I used to think, “Holy shit. She’s right: I am unable to cope with this, I must be stronger and show myself that I can take it….After all, ‘what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger,’ right?” which from my now very-cheap seats, that kind of self-talk sounds a lot like masochism, and self-abuse. It looks a lot like enabling too: if we keep letting it happen, if we keep exposing ourselves to the same people who hurt us or that make us uncomfortable, then we are tacitly endorsing it, we are allowing it. All of this, and many more forms I’ve likely not mentioned looks a lot like putting ourselves last.
When we take a stand, we hear the appeals and the apologies and the boo-hooing and before you know it, you’re shoving your intuition down the tubes and taking care of the offender, by putting them first. You’re suddenly responsible for their feelings. You’re suddenly telling them it’ll be ok and thrust into feeling bad for making them see the truth. (More below.) It’s verrrrrry sneeeeeeaky.
I’m not talking about the discomfort that arises when you do something uncool and someone calls you out on it. I’m talking about witnessing an uncool act and then saying nothing about it. The former is an opportunity for change; the latter is fertile soil for codependency and continued ugliness.
Over time, the bridge can only handle so much load. Over time, the walls cave in. Over time, the bough breaks and down will come baby, cradle and all.
If you’re like me: you were conditioned to doubt what you saw and what you felt and rationalize everything that hurt. You were conditioned to try harder, longer and put up with more, to essentially stand in the lightning storm under a tree, then the guts and the gumption to begin to decide to cut people out often comes at a price: we are bruised, we are broken, we have suffered and we have poured out our spleen on the table — only to have to defend it. It’s madness.
But we still try. We try to keep the broken wagon rolling because we have been conditioned to do ALL WE CAN to abate the pain of the offender. We don’t want the other to feel bad for our exposure of their treatment …
Then there’s the actual decision: incredible self-doubt to make the decision to sit up, to stand up, to leave, to walk and to not look back. NONE OF THIS IS EASY.
Then there’s the weight of the decision, the appeals and the blame and the “but you’re not perfect either and I love you anyway!” music from the person who can’t sit with your decision, who can’t sit with the hurt they’ve inflicted on you, who can’t look themselves in the mirror and dig deep inside themselves to shine a light and look at why they do what they do — and not just to you, but to lots of people. Why they stir pots, why they fight so much, why they pick and tear at people and their psychic fabrics. They have to keep flapping because that keeps the dust flying. If they were to stop flapping and let the dust settle, they’d see the wash of destruction and hurt they’ve inflicted on people.
Another point, and it’s very subtly played out: When person A starts out with an apology, but it morphs into “you’re no prize either, I’ve seen you do some crazy shit…” You, person B, have naively slipped into the defending-yourself-for-no-apparent-reason-when-this-was-supposed-to-be-an-apology-from-the-other-person zone. It’s a slick slope.
I don’t like this feeling when I cut people out: the supposition that I’m intolerant, that I’m hard, that I have no flexibility, that I’m the one who is unkind, that I don’t forgive and forget, that I’m super-sensitive and that I have no compassion.
But is that me? Am I projecting that opinion on to myself and placing it on society? When I’ve heard similar stories from other people about treatment they’ve endured up until a point or whilst in the midst of it, I’m certain I’ve said, “That sucks. You need to cut bait and leave…” So why should I, why should you, why should anyone stick around?
Is there some great grand lesson? Heck yes! The lesson is this: IF IT HURTS, STOP DOING IT OR IT WILL CONTINUE.
This is what we say in yoga, “Take the pose to your edge, no pain. If you feel pain, back off. You are not supposed to feel pain.”
I can’t believe for ONE second that we are put on this earth to suffer; that God or whatever you want to call it is so spiteful that we are supposed to ENDURE needless emotional pain, for that’s what lasts the most.
But I Love You Anyway…
Those people who try to pull this on you, say “I love you for you” and “You’re messed up just like I am…” are again placing their crap on you. It’s subtle and sneaky and I like to believe it’s even unconscious, but they are again saying, “Take me for how I am with all my shit [because I’m unlikely to change] because I take you with all your shit [which is equally screwed up; but even if it’s not*, my misery loves company and I can’t bear to be left alone with myself] and you and I will get along fine… [Just don’t remind me of what I do…]”
Don’t be fooled by it! They are trying to lump you in with their bad behavior; they are trying to point the finger at you; they are trying to play the upper hand, and BELIEVE ME: THEY ARE JUDGING YOU! Right there! They are judging you! It’s very very very subtle, but you’ve just been judged. They’re keeping score, they’ve been watching you screw up all along so that when the freaking hammer falls, they’ve got an ace to throw on the table. *if you’re drawing a line, if you’ve hit your limit, chances are you’re no longer as equally screwed up…
The last time I checked: if I didn’t give birth to you or marry you, I don’t have to take this. I can be nice, I can be civil, but there’s nothing else I need to give to you. Speaking of children, what are we modeling for them if we just keep taking it? To teach them resilience AND self-care, we must model strength in all its forms.
People who are close to self-actualized play fair and this recent bullying experience has shown me all I need to know: if an adult is an actual adult, and possibly your friend, s/he doesn’t go after your kid to attack or argue with. They go after you. They don’t rationalize what they’ve done as “crazy” and they don’t offer forced apologies to continue to rationalize their behavior.
Any adult who goes after a child is a predator, no matter how you slice it: they go after the weaker and the smaller and I simply don’t have time for that.
God gave me my mother for a reason and I’m so grateful now. Mom showed me that I had to put up with only one person like her, because she honed me to deal with life in a very clear cut way: I must stand up for myself because expecting someone else to is folly. Shrouding abuse as friendship / love / marriage is really insidious.
As Travolta said …
Cutting people out is never easy. There can be community repercussions, you might lose some sleep over the decision, you might want to run back hours or days later and say, “I didn’t mean it! I am sorry I cut you out after you abused me! You’re right! I should’ve been stronger! We all make mistakes!” (DON’T DO THAT.)
Sometimes, it’s the only way. You don’t have to take it. You can’t be a jerk about it, but you don’t have to take it. A clean cut, no matter how difficult and uncomfortable, will also, my friends create a pearl, or brighter yet: a diamond, and that sparkly, shiny thing is you.
I call this pruning (http://candidkay.com/2013/04/09/friends-i-used-to-know/). Necessary, for me, after divorce–but I think it’s something we all have to do from time to time . . . love the pearl analogy. Good way to think of it!
Perfect timing for me! (oh, btw- you can thank lillian for me reading this!)….
Ok, i admit- i skimmed this- mainly because i have had 2 LARGE glasses of wine… but, i have some thoughts…..
My relationship with my SO came to a head last week… yanno… that kinda BIG ASS ZIT head, that you don’t REALLY want to pop- but you know you NEED to pop one…. yeah.. and it was MESSY… UGH
Anyway.. (background- i am a few months away from getting my masters- and have a TON of psychology & sociology edumacation).. so, i have had to wear my therapist hat (ugh)… and make it VERY clear of what needed to happen (in her behavior… since, i had never *really* made her aware of her bad behavior that was getting worse, and fast) or.. i was OUT… because, shit.. it’s about self-preservation! I am TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT too…. it was VERY VERY hard…. and she had to make a decision- and (so far, since it’s only been a week- and i told her to go to her cabin (we don’t live together, but it’s been a 5yr relationship)..) we have have MANY conversations about it (via text, but- i’ll take it over nothing- and she came over for dinner tonight)…
anyway…. yeah… i have approached her in a way that i am SURE no one else has before- with love and acceptance (of her, not her bad behavior) and of compassion. FUCK.. THAT SUCKS sometimes.. because sometimes.. I REALLY WANT TO BE MEAN… but, i can’t. that does nothing… at all. And, i love her- because she is SOOO awesome, and she’s like the little girl with the curl…. Oy!!!!
I am willing to give this a shot- with a new spin….. because she is worth it.. BUT….. she knows that if she doesn’t follow through with HER end (and, i know i gots some stuff to do too)…. i am OUT… and, the book is CLOSED…. and, i am VERY capable of that- i’ve done it to a number of people… and i don’t look back… i left a marriage 16 years ago (DV) and never looked back…. and, i refuse to put myself there again… time will tell!
(details in my blog! 😉 )
great post, btw! 🙂
Thanks for commenting! I have a two song recommendations: “Follow Through” by Gavin Degraw; and Call and Answer” by The Barenaked Ladies.
I wish you luck. It can be so hard to let this all in again. (see, I used conditional “can be” tense like a good little therapy girl).
If this were a marriage of mine or my child, I’d be more tolerant, but these people went after my kids, TWICE, and I don’t have to suffer with it.
I want to still love my friend, but I have to protect my children. It’s that simple for me. I’ve accepted that it’s real behavior, but I don’t have to live with it.
Thank you again for reading and commenting and good luck.
So sorry you are going through this Mol, especially with someone you considered a friend. Cannot believe the crap your son was enduring …No need to put up with it or his parents antics. No matter how hard this has been for you and your family, you have done the right thing. You gave them many opportunities to see the light and for some reason after years of friendship, if you want to call it that, they chose to keep their eyes shut…to quote the infamous Sweet Brown “Ain’t nobody got time for that!”
thanks, ac. i am clean now i think. 3 weeks to break a habit? 😉 xoxo
You are probably one of the most honest bloggers on the web. Sure some people will drag you down either consciously or unconsciously. The narcissist must be better than you, at least in their perception. I’ve heard the rationalizations about “well I’ve invested so much time in this relationship” and “he/she has assured me that they will change”. Not so easy to go though the anxiety, loneliness and pressure from friends who do not understand fully the damage that is being done. But the ultimate self respect obtained is worth it.
Wow, Wayne! That’s super nice of you to say about my honesty. I appreciate it. My brother once said of some relationships, “just because you’ve been friends for x years doesn’t mean you need to stay friends for x years…sometimes what’s done is done.”
I have to include myself. I have to choose myself. I don’t want to be one of those people with a terminal illness who looks back and says, “it’s time to cut out the toxic people…” I’d rather do that when I’m healthy. I also have to show my kids that we matter more than pain or “tradition.”
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