Hi.

I’m vexed.

Easter has come and gone, but the pre-packaged plastic eggs from Hershey: “Easter Favorites” has come and will never go. I do not know the gross sales of items like these. But I do know this: they are not recyclable. Readers: RISE UP!

I dig Easter egg hunts; they’re a cute tradition borne of a random and sorta creepy screwed up mythology of a benevolent vernal rodent dispensing eggs that only a religion can get behind. The only “eggs” I’ve ever seen any rabbit leave behind are brown and miniscule.

I just called Hershey: 1-800-468-1714 and had to sit through their myriad voicemail prompts to wade through between my options of using their products in a recipe (1): recipes: yes, I’d like to use your products in a recipe to create sustainability and help our planet’s future; (2) allergy and nutritional information (that’s a joke: most of your products are likely made in facilities where nuts exist and we know there is no nutritional value whatsoever); 3) storage and date codes – ha! that’s a laugh: your stuff can be stored for about three weeks months years decades and date codes mean the bag in which the products are stored will never biodegrade; 4) no, I don’t want to order more nuclear winter -survivable products online through your website; 5) no, I’m not planning a trip to Hershey, PA…

I’ll spare you the time: just press zero.  They don’t want to hear from you. They want you to go away. How do I know this?

The dude who answered the line was totally ready for this question, but even I know he didn’t stand behind it and likely had to take a shower after answering it…

Me: Hi. Why are your Easter Favorites plastic eggs not recyclable?

Minion: Thank you so much for taking the time to call us and to express your concern about our … >pause< Easter Favorites. Here at Hershey, where we are dedicated to food safety; however, the technology has eluded us as to how to package these items for [long-term storage] and not pose a risk to food safety.

Consumer (Me): Yes, I understand that and it’s a good idea. But you DO realize, don’t you, that each Hershey Kiss is wrapped in its iconic aluminum foil, which is then put in a sealed plastic wrap which is then placed in a non-recyclable plastic egg-shaped container, yes?

Turd (Minion): Yes, I do.

Avenger (Me): Well, I see where you’re coming from, but this is excessive. Why do we have recyclable Coca-Cola bottles that are good for two years and water bottles that are good for three years before the product goes bad, used to not only store a food item, but also come in direct contact with that food item, but your Easter Favorites eggs are not coming anywhere near in contact with the food item and are not recyclable? I mean, SOLO plastic cups are stored for months or years before coming into use, yet we use those for serving food. Surely there’s another reason behind this…

Asshole (Minion): We at Hershey are dedicated to providing a product that is safe and responsible; we just haven’t had …

Activist (Me): No, what you haven’t done is anything responsible. You’ve created — and I mean you now, because you’re spewing this line to me about corporate responsibility, which I doubt has anything at all to do with this situation, whereas laziness and greed has everything to do with it — a situation where not only the eggs aren’t recyclable, but neither is the bag one buys them in nor is the packaging that touches the food item. This entire product, is fraught with laziness and lack of initiative.

Deflated Minion: Yes, I see. I appreciate your bringing this to my attention; I will be sure to forward your comments and concerns about this to our consumer products division.

BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Me: Yes, I am sure you will. Thanks.

What I didn’t say is this: I have a blog. I am going to write about this and I’m going to mention the whole thing and I’m going to Hashtag my title, so it comes up in the Hershey Twitter feed and I am going to hope that other people see it and get their hares up (ha ha!) about it and raise a stink because you know what? In this Day and Age, THERE IS NO EXCUSE.

All hail Peeps:

I’m tired of lame excuses from bloated, disgusting and disproportionately powerful corporations. Call 1-800-468-1714, press Zero and tell the Kisses what you think. I won’t be buying this crap next year; and the only reason why we did it this year is because my darling husband, whom I adore, prefers to take the easy way out. In years past, I have recycled the eggs myself, re-stuffed them and reused them. But we hosted the Easter event this year and little kids like the hunts and that’s what happened.

If you open an egg, you’ll see this website embossed in the inside of the shell: creative-weeks.com:

— here’s their website:

Just to be fair, I tried this:

But this address, which I found after using a Google search works: http://www.cwerksglobal.com

and here’s a picture to prove it:

So I called the number on the website’s page, 5 gets me to customer service; I decided to press 0 for the operator… and here we go again:

Me: Are you all the company that packages the candy for the Hershey Easter Favorites?

Operator: Yes.

Me: Great, Can you tell me about when the eggs you all use will be recyclable?

Operator: I’m not sure what happens after… can you hold please?

She transfers me to someone “in production” who is not available at the moment; so I left a message asking the same. If he calls me back before I press “publish” in about three minutes, then I will share his answer; if he doesn’t, then I get to say what I used to say when I would report things for a news organization: “that he was unavailable for comment.”

For me: never again. I can’t pretend to care about the environment and buy this garbage.

Get your shit together, Hershey: find a way to exert your corporate power to get this company, Creative Werks or whatever the hell it’s called to recycle this crap and stop killing our planet. May hoards of vernal rodents leave a pox of their native eggs all over your plants if you don’t. And you know how those rabbits like to get it on… Apparently every time the buck feels like it, he can get his doe knocked up — sex between bunnies induces ovulation. Yes, you learned something new here today; when a dude bunny wants to get it on, the chick bunny drops an egg for him. I didn’t plan on having this post go in this direction, but when you write in the moment like I do, anything can happen. Go here for more bunny porn: http://mentalfloss.com/article/29870/are-rabbits-prolific-everybody-says

Help out your kids’ planet and their kids’ planet: call these numbers and be the change.

Call Hershey: 1-800-468-1714 and press 0 and tell the Kisses what you think.

Call 1-800-Creative Werks: 1-630-860-2222, press 0 and ask the kind and unsuspecting operator and then ask for production and then leave a message. And share this post. Sharing really, means caring.

Thank you.