So, Really: How Many Whacks Does It Take?


So, I have a little blog crush on Banana Wheels.

She won me at her blog title, which is as random as “Grass Oil” but then I started reading her stuff and she’s like… brilliantly twisted.

I’d show you pictures she shared, but no, you need to read these posts:

The post that took me to the edge was this: Sew What?

The one that pushed me over that edge was this one: Creepy Baby’s Oscar Special

So now I humbly return the favor of continuing our sick obsession with “Silence of the Lambs” lore and all things Jame Gumb (played by the brilliant Ted Devine):

By asking this question of Creepy Baby Hannibal, “let’s say I was having trouble getting a heavy chair into my scary van in a darkly lit parking lot and a nice co-ed offered me some help… How many whacks, truly, Baby Hannibal, does it take to knock someone out?”

Baby Hannibal was mum. I mean Gumb D’OH! I mean dumb. No, that’s not PC. I mean mute. No, I mean quiet. No, silent. As in Silence of the Lambs… ya like that?

I see it happen on cop shows all the time… usually it’s one well-timed and exquisitely positioned hit to the area behind the head near the shoulder with a bare hand, the butt of a gun, a night stick and / or a guillotine (just to be sure) — I won’t go into my questions about beheading — I saw “Braveheart” and “The Other Boleyn Girl” and I have to say … I just don’t think that’s possible.

So here are some frightening Google results on the search, “how possible is it to knock someone out with one hit to the head” (as you can surmise, I’m not fluent in the vernacular of street beatings):

Screen Shot 2013-03-13 at 10.35.54 AM

So then I tried this way (because I still have my doubts despite the DIY videos): “knocking people out with one hit to the head is a lie”:

Screen Shot 2013-03-13 at 10.36.06 AM

And because I’m a middle child of three kids (which means I perpetually doubt my reality) and I have three boys myself and I believe in the Holy Trinity (at least that’s where I got married) and a new pope was elected yesterday, I ask The Google this, “is it really possible to knock someone unconscious with one hit to the head”:

Screen Shot 2013-03-14 at 2.57.06 PM

And then just one more time, I asked this, “Are you sure?” and this is what I got: (2.5 BILLION results in less than half a second):

Screen Shot 2013-03-14 at 2.59.22 PM

See, The Google had to think about it a little more; it wasn’t quite as sure about being sure as it was about telling me how possible it is to hit knock someone unconscious with a single blow to the head. But by that point, I didn’t want to know anymore.

Thank you for reading. That’s four minutes you’ll never get back. I hope it was fun for you.

6 responses »

  1. I love Banana Wheels. I love her So much.

    Let’s hope nobody goes missing around your parts and the FBI doesn’t start Googling “people who want to know how to take someone out with one whack” anytime soon. You and that baby might find yourselves in some hot water, police drama.

  2. FINALLY. Someone with a Google search history that is more disturbing than my own. Thank you for this laugh. I read it twice just because I enjoyed the ridiculousness of your Google search phrasings so much. I think I speak for all of your readers when I say I’m glad you’re not fluent in the vernacular of street beatings.

    Thank you for the shout out. Made my day. If I can inspire others to write twisted blog posts, then my work here is done.

    Now thanks to that video, I’m off to go have some nightmares about Jame Gumb. Again.

    • Jame Gumb is misunderstood.

      For instance when he runs from Clarice just moments after that clip … when she calmly asks for a forwarding address as she quietly I unsnaps her holster and then he runs down to the basement to begin possibly The Best Scene Ever in motion pictures.

      He was just getting something out of the dryer.

      You are welcome. The thanks is all mine however. It’s people like you who keep me insane.

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