Yes I am. I can’t help myself. But I can. No I can’t. I’m merely human. Ok you made me do it.

Lance.

Crickets. Click if you want to hear them.

I have yoga today, but I’m still on the mend from my trifection; so this isn’t a true Tuesday Morning Press and last week’s was posted in the afternoon so for 2013, I’m 0 for 2.

Back to Lance; but he’s really just a reference. Damn it. I will sum up, here’s what I posted on my Facebook status this morning. I’ll opine (lucky you) with my sagacity and how we are all suffering from the same Human Condition shortly thereafter.

I was never on Team Lance, but I respected his efforts. I thought what he accomplished was stunning and beyond human potential. Apparently I was right. All this does, from his cleat-digging, epic vehement denial, to his silence, to his publicity-seeking admission and now his interest in getting back his reputation (whatever the what that was) is tell me what I suspected all along from the First Minute I saw him: It’s All About Lance. It always was. It always will be. We are merely inhabitants of his planet. He is a disgrace and I wish Livestrong well, but he can suck it.

We don’t live in a world of authenticity anymore. Everyone wants their 15-minutes of fame; everyone wants to Cash In on their Story. Everyone wants to Be Someone.

We are witnessing a time when merely breathing, doing your best, living well, paying your taxes, honoring your vows, obeying the law and honoring your limits isn’t enough anymore. I don’t know what got me started on this rant, oh yeah, Lance, but I can tell you this much: I won’t stop living the best I can. Lance is a turkey. He was a model for lots of people; ‘cept he wasn’t: what he “achieved” is a lie. No human can achieve it.

Ironically, in his vast and storied attempts at proving himself beyond humanity he showed us his craven depth of humanity: he is just as needy as the rest of us. He is just a scared little boy afraid of not measuring up.

Here’s what I’m getting at: WE ALL FEEL this inadequacy at times. You can’t deny it. It’s good, actually, that we do feel it: it keeps us going to try for better, work smarter.

The problem arises when we hit our apogee and we find it unacceptable. That we are somehow above it; HA! Above our best possible achievement! For some, that’s not enough or it’s scary; it shows them their mortality. So they cheat. They borrow, they lie and they steal. This happens every day and it’s as old as mankind. Now I see that I’m wasting my time talking about this because Lance doesn’t read my blog (he’s never commented…) and neither do the plagiarists and thieves and liars… I guess. I don’t talk about what they want to read. I don’t enable.

I tire of this “condition,” frankly, because I’ve had enough of people not being happy with what they’ve got, the ingratitude, the constant complaining.

Here’s me: I’m all for wanting more and better as long as you’re not a jerk about it. As long as what you DO do to supposedly improve your circumstances is ethical, legal and fair. Then I’m OK with it; I might not know who you are, you might not become a household name to me, but you’re good in my book.

What good is a life lived if it is lived inauthentically? We are all born weak, crying or moaning about something, we will all die the same way: weakend by something that takes us over: be it a bus at 40mph, a virus, an act of violence or war… the circumstances really don’t matter because in the FINAL moments, we will have met our match: we are vulnerable to what takes us. Our limits have been reached. We have achieved: Truth. Wouldn’t it just be better to achieve it while you’re living rather than be a disgrace?

If Armstrong, Sosa, McGwire, Jones, Baranova and all the others came out and said, “Although yes, I’ve trained my buttocks off and behaved single-mindedly for years in pursuit of this one goal, I’m not an authentic badass, I’m totally pumped up full of enhancers and I’m doping and changing out my blood because I’m that craven and greedy and needy,” I’d be, “Ok, s/he’s owning it. Let her/him compete with people athletes others who do the same thing and see how s/he stacks up. Let’s have an all-doping Olympiad every two years and let these sorry sonsabitches figure this stuff out and you can watch like they did in Rome at the Coliseum during the gladiator days…. go for it. It’ll be rad, arms tearing off and veins bursting an’ whatnot. Go for it.” To paraphrase Scrooge, “let’s better be quick about it and reduce the surplus population!'”

I’ll be home reading a book, gardening, writing a book, watching my beloved Vincent D’Onofrio, walking my dog, playing with my kids… I’ll do anything but watch these attention whores. If one can’t get by on a honest day’s work, on a level playing field, with their own ingenuity and talents and skills: they need to go. Honoring our vulnerability is to me, The Most Gutsy Thing Anyone Can Do. Ever.

As for Armstrong, after 15 years of denial and vitriolic rage at people who accused him, rightly, of his deeds? I hate to say it, but schadenfreude never felt so right.

I’m done.

Next subject: Consumer Items I love.

I don’t do ads, I’m not being paid, but I love these three items and I like to talk about good stuff when I encounter it.

1) My new water bottle. It’s all glass but surrounded by a fantastic non-gooey rubber sleeve. It’s pricey, but the water tastes great and the bottle is very easy to maintain. Best of all it’s almost completely USA made, save for the glass which is made in France (I’ve written about that to the manufacturer … uh, Corning anyone? Throw a little business to my home state…). I got mine at Wegman’s. It’s purple. They have tons of cool colors. Here’s the link to the company: http://www.lifefactory.com/adults/22-oz-flip-1.html

2) My Genie Bra. It’s the best thing since fat pants. There. Get one for yourself or your special female in your life. It’s awesome. I simply can’t say enough about it.

3) A pen (I know! People still use them!) I found in my desk (from the pen faery?): A Pilot Dr. Grip pen. It’s got a supple sleeve around the base of its barrel (I guess I’m all about the sleeve these days, it is winter…) that feels like …   …  … pudding that isn’t disgusting. That’s all I’ve got on that analogy. It’s comfortable. Here’s the link. Decide for yourself: http://www.pilotpen.us/Categories/1-Ball-Point-Dr-Grip.aspx/1/80000010%5eDr.+Grip I’m sure you can find one in your desk or at least at Target.

That is all I have today.

Thank you.