Did Cleopatra Have Bangs?


I cut my bangs yesterday without wearing my reading glasses. I turn 45 in a week. I have a lot on my mind; so these posts just sometimes flow out of me.

My friend over at DeBie Hive called me prolific. Bless her heart – she’s very smart and I love her, but she doesn’t realize that this is just my brain blathering and blathering. If it happens to make sense or appeal to people then we’ve got ourselves a deal.

So many of these blog posts just come to me without warning. It’s like I’m all ladiedah la walkin’ the dog… lala laaalalaa ladiedah “you’re getting old…” blammo.

Hair coloring dates back to like prehistoric times. Pteradactyls, perhaps the most vain of all the “dinosaurs” were known for their amazing kaleiscopic plumage and coiffures. They used to grind stones and herbs in their naturally occurring salt lead acetate ear wax. Here is a picture of a pteradactyl I just found on the National Geographic archive site with a ‘do (whose roots clearly need touch-ups):

The FashionDactyl. she’s busy, she loves her life and she flies with a soccer ball. She has it all.

The thing is, I have been coloring my hair since prehistoric times. I started to go gray, thanks to my Greco-Roman noble Irish heritage in my teens. I remember plucking out the buggers in my bathroom when I was 18.

“Don’t do THAAAAAAT! They’ll come back and avenge their kin!!” I heard Cleopatra whisper.

“Shaadap, Cleo. I’ve got problems. If I’m going gray now, imagine — IMAGINE what I’ll look like a week before I’m 45,” I hissed.

“Oh, you’ll do what I did: you’ll cut your bangs. You’ll want to think you look like Zooey Daschenel, whoever the hell that is, but you’re really just gonna look like you, hiding your Elevens and denying your age. I did the bangs when I hit 43; I don’t know what’s taken you so long… look at all the art they drew of me – the birdmen and catgoats… and me… with my perfect hair.” she said.

Then she was vapor. Or was it me, did I have the vapors?

Anyway, she was right. I cut my bangs and I look nothing like Zooey Daschenelung. My Elevens are hidden, for now, until my bangs grow too long and start to grab on to my eyebrows or each other and then part thus exposing my Elevens or what I am now coining as “Forehead cleavage.”®www.mollyfield.com – I just made that up, “forehead cleavage.” It’s good… it’s what ALL ANCIENT MIDDLE-AGED WOMEN WANT THE SPACE BETWIXT THEIR EYEBROWS CALLED FROM NOW ON. 

Forget the image of me. notice the Laundry Basket in the background. I included that all special like for you.

Thank you.

14 responses »

  1. Forehead cleavage. Nice one, me likey!

    Molly, you are far from a dinosaur! You live a healthier lifestyle than I could even dream of, and you’ve got personality that transcends age boundaries, if there is such a thing. You are awesome, and when you turn 45, you’ll still be awesome, and 55, and, 65, and 75. And then when you turn 85, you’ll magically turn into that crazy fun old lady who coined the phrase “forehead cleavage” and who created the hip new holographic T.V. show, FashionDactyl Does the Laundry.

    I’ll be your number one fan.

  2. Is it sad that I was just thinking of cutting my bangs too? Or is it sadder that my pterodactyl wants to meet your pterodactyl. I wouldn’t let that happen though. My pterodactyl is a caught-on-tape perv! I’m just sayin’.

    • i don’t know how old you are so i can’t advise you on the bangs. all i can tell you, however, is that … well, i like it. i’m sorta glad i have them now and they’re long enough still where i can pull them back with the rest of the hair if needed, y’know, for all the galas and whatnot.

      as your your pteradactyl wanting to meet mine… is he well heeled? she’s very into her half-cafs.

      • Well I’m 42. I did the bangs thing once a few years ago, but haven’t in a while.

        As for the pterodactyl, I’m not sure on the finance side. The way I see it, though, he’s GOT to have made some money from that whole porn venture! So I’d go with… yes. And she’s obviously doing better than me. I haven’t gone half caf in years! It’s full caf all the way for me! Mania like this is hard to maintain.

      • it is hard to maintain. your pteradactyl looks outdoorsy. i’m not sure she has any outdoor gear other than that soccer bag. but with his porn savings, he could help her learn to be outdoorsy.

        the mania must be maintained at a one cup per hour ratio for me. otherwise, i get all hostage-takery and whatnot.

        42… that’s the answer to everything isn’t it? i read that somewhere.

        go ahead… cut ’em. they grow back. but do it gradually first – the bridge of the nose and side bangs…

    • thank you.

      ha! you’re so cute though!

      i just read a MAGAZINE, remember those? “More” magazine’s article about if our hair is aging us — it goes from color to length to shape and cuts. good article. the one thing i’m remembering now about why i grew them out: they get dirty sooner because they graze the forehead. ugh. more maintenance.

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