Daily Archives: September 15, 2012

Swear Alert: Open Letter to C9 Sportswear | RE: tank tops

Standard

Good lord, that was exhausting, writing nice things about all those other awesome bloggers! I’m so glad to be back to normal and start talking about myself again…. You too, right?

Ok. Prepare for a litany of imprecations, epithets, swears, curse words and whatnot. I’m gonna get all ugly, nasty and raged-up in here. Not gonna sugar coat it and go all Yosemite Sam on this like I did with my son and his fragiratzin tagticblackin science project.

Egads, suddenly I feel like I can’t swear appropriately. It’s like when you wind up for a pitch and you forget to let go of the ball and it lands behind you to the right in the neighbor’s bushes instead of near the batter… Some people just don’t know how to drop the bombs. My mom, for instance: When I was younger she was all bent outta shape an’ whatnot about the fuckin’ traffic in the D.C. an’ all. She was driving (sort of) and said, “God Fuck!” and well, I remember laughing about it. I did laugh at her about it. I’m laughing, right now, about it. She is very smart, bred and groomed well, but is a really crappy curser. The poor dear. My dad? Awesome curser. Used to talk like a sailor, ‘cept now he’s all 81 and everything…

Yesterday I went to Target alone. This is never good for the bank account. I bought my awesome prescription for tennis elbow “Voltaren” – sounds like that drink James T. Kirk had with Richie Cunningham’s little brother…from “The Corbomite Maneuver.”

I’m digressing again … (wasn’t that Star Trek some fucked-up shit? I loved it though.)

So then I was in Target’s “Active Wear” section. I went to buy some workout gear – high visibility tops for when I’m on the water so the fishermen and fishwives don’t mow me down in their trawlers. Here’s the result:

=-=-=

Dear Assholic Pole DanceWear Designers:

I just want to thank you for designing a tank top with “breast shapers” and an inner tube for “lift.” I’m in fucking traction now thanks your goddamned inverted straight-jacket cum halter top.

I suspect I will have to shower and sleep in this bloody mess of a garment you’ve designed. Probably take me 15 minutes more to rinse off the lather because you know how soap is with Dry-Fit, then I’ll have to deal with that moon-faced fucking Jennifer Aniston about my water usage and I will cry out, “SEE-NINE! YOOOOU DID THIS TO MEEEE YOU MOTHER-FLETCHING BASTARDS!!”

If it wasn’t hard enough to get into the tank top in the first place, I don’t know how I’dve managed not having a stroke over the experience of flattening down, massaging and manipulating the shaper so it doesn’t look like a fucking eggo waffle has been pushed down atop My Girls. And the fucking shaper is BLACK? Inside a day-glo Pink top? You can totally see it. Who put this frigging thing together? Caillou? (Who frighteningly and ironically reminds me of Richie Cunningham’s brother above.)

Shapers. That’s rich. Is that why you charged me almost a third of a tank of gas for the top? Tell you what: you reconvert the polycarbons you refined to make this stupid breast shaper into fuel for my car and I’ll pay $22 with a smile.

Look: your shit sells at Target. That means it’s not like, premium-grade AthletiWear (I just made that up – it’s mine: AthletiWear ®) so don’t go puttin’ an air dam on a tubbed-out ’93 Honda Civic on this shit. Just give us WHAT WE WANT: nice looking workout gear that doesn’t fucking twist us up and make us do the sacred yoga pose, “Onoyoudidntasana” the counterpose to which is “OyesIdidbitchasana.”

We will have to call the fire department to use their Jaws of Life to cut me out of it.

Thank you, bitches. The colors are nice though.

Molly (from the hospital)

=-=-=

Thank you.

Awards! Awards! Three Posts in Won!

Standard

Hello readers!

I’m back to introduce you to some of the friends I’ve made online.

They are writers, artists, imbibers, teetotalers, scoundrels and healers — every single one of ’em.

I have recently been the lucky recipient of three awards: The Liebster (again! thankew-thankew!) Award; the Versatile Blogger Award and the Very Inspiring Blogger Award.  Each of these awards has their own criterion and I’m supposed to let each winner know they’ve won. I’m a little overwhelmed by that and I don’t want to have both my readers resent me for glutting their inbox (were they brave enough to subject themselves to a mail subscription, you poor dears) so I’m trying to figure out a way to put each category on the same post. It might be possible.

I possess genius, so it is possible.

Wait… wait. If you’re coming to this post and looking for your award, please go back home and hide under your bed.

No, there’s gotta be a simpler way to do this… I’m sure I’m breaking all manner of rules in doing it this way, but I’m out of ideas… please read this post – especially if I linked you back to me. If you see yourself listed, feel free to participate. And if you do, click on the art and add it to your post when you recommend other bloggers. (If you have technical problems with this, please let me know.)

If not, know that I love you anyway and that I’ll always be proud of those moments we shared in biology class with the bunsen burner. My scars are almost invisible now. Yours?

Let’s get going…

Liebster Blogger Award: I was nominated for this by a tribal partner, Lillian Connelly, at It’s A Dome Life. She writes. She paints. She’s a Mom. She lives in a dome. I couldn’t be prouder and I adore her. I appreciate the honor.

The catch is, however, that it’s a chain letter wrapped in an award. It should be the other way around if it’s truly a chain letter: you get the award AFTER you submit to all the copying, inserting the dollar, addressing and stamping. I’m waiting for some sort of Internet Act to come along and prohibit these events. But in the meantime, we will push through. Thank you It’s a Dome Life for the nod!

The Rules

  1. Each person must post 11 things about themselves.
  2. Answer the 11 questions the person giving the award has set for you.
  3. Create 11 questions for the people you will be giving the award to.
  4. Choose 11 people to award and send them a link to your post.  Go to their page and tell them.
  5. No tag backs.

11 Facts about me

  1. I have a thing about sharpened kitchen knives. If it is not sharp, I won’t use it. I have spent a modest sum on sharpening devices.
  2. I like to vacuum. When I do no one comes near me. Just like when I sharpen knives. Sometimes I vacuum when the knives are sharp.
  3. I have two cats: Gandalf the Gray and Beezer Elizabeth Googleberry Nut-head.
  4. My dog Murphy is my best friend. He knows everything about me and won’t tell anyone.
  5. I insist on good lighting in the kitchen. No lighting, no me.
  6. I wrote a book over the summer. It’s sitting in a binder on my shelf. Still. Needs work.
  7. I love Starbucks Green Tea Frappucinos; no whip.
  8. I have a ton of exercise equipment in my house. What do I use most these days? The sculling shell at the boathouse or my yoga mat.
  9. I love listening to comedians on the radio and my TV seldom leaves NBC.
  10. I have two brothers, three sons and no sister or daughter.
  11. I love lemon cake with chocolate frosting.

My 11 Questions to answer

  1. What’s better, being an adult or being a child? Being alive.
  2. How many pairs of shoes do you own? Do sandals and boots count or are we going strictly shoes? Less than 30.
  3. If space travel became possible for the average person, would you go? No.
  4. If you were given a large sum of money to donate to a charity of your choice, which charity would you choose? Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation; people make jokes about diabetes — it’s not funny, trust me.
  5. Reality TV: Good or Bad? Good but only if you don’t watch it; then it’s terrible.
  6. If you could be a character in a book which character would you be and why? I would be Scarlett O’Hara because we’re both moxie-filled limit-pushers.
  7. What is the weirdest food you have ever eaten? I’d have to say the tiny squid also known as calamari.
  8. What laundry detergent do you use? Random. I use Arm & Hammer with OxiClean boost, if you must know.
  9. Do you think aliens exist? Yes. Just not here. That would be weird. Although I do suspect some people in my ‘hood….
  10. Chocolate or Vanilla? Yes.
  11. What is the worst job you have ever had? I worked for a government contractor … no that wasn’t me. I worked at a shoe store in high school and the Old Men (in their 40s!) I worked with were slimy and disgusting. They said something about “not kicking her [me] out of bed for eating crackers” and I was all like, “Why would I get kicked out of bed for eating crackers, bitches?”

My Questions for the future Liebsters:

  1. Are you a dog, bird or cat person? Why
  2. Favorite ice cream presentation: hard packed or soft serve? Cake cone or sugar cone?
  3. Favorite time of day: dawn or eventide?
  4. What do you like most in others?
  5. What is the most frustrating part of your craft?
  6. What do you do for exercise?
  7. What is your favorite personal quality in yourself?
  8. Is where you are right now in your life where you expected to be?
  9. What would you change, if you could, about your life per your answer above?
  10. What is the greatest sorrow you have experienced?
  11. What is your greatest joy?

11 People I’m Awarding (in no particular rank, order or preference):

  1. Stacie Brown – she’s a single mom working full time and getting her degree… in Texas! show this girl some love!
  2. lifeloveandyoga – her style reminds me of my writing sometimes, ‘cept she’s more concise.
  3. Susanne’s world – her journey is her own and she’s the queen of “ohana”; she gets what it means when we say “family.”
  4. Storeylines – great writer, great spirit and a story or two to tell; check out her stories about her fledgling nun-dom.
  5. Love your Movies – cool reviews and comments; and not just about new releases. Today, they’re chatting about “The Shawshank Redemption,” one of my personal favorites.
  6. Not Blessed Mama – she defends places like Chuck E. Cheese with reason and intelligence. just don’t go on weekends.
  7. Bucket List Publications – fun pics of what you’d do if you had a bucket list. She’s 31 and has been to 34 countries. check her out and submit your pics too….
  8. Her Royal Wineness – she’s back writing a blog and her restrictive family has no idea this time!
  9. Mommy Drinks Because You Cry – i love this person. she’s funny as crap. and yes, crap is funny. poor thing, she’s part of the tribe.
  10. DeBie Hive – because we were separated at birth. tribe member… i love her.
  11. Good Geek Ranting – because he’s hilarious and out of the boxy;  you need hilarious and out of the boxy. You just do.
Happy Liebstering! Winners: Click on the image above and paste into your post (should you decide to write one). And you can put it as a badge on your blog.  Please don’t hate me!
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Versatile Blogger Award: Again, I’d like to thank the lovely Lillian Connelly at It’s A Dome Life for this honor. She’s a sweetie! 🙂 If you haven’t checked her out yet, do. She’s an amazing artist. I mean, like …. amazing and she mostly taught herself which to me is cosmically unfair. She reminds me of what we can do when we have a pencil, some time and patience.

I also think she was really including me in this (as an extra credit bonus) because if there’s one thing I am, it’s versatile, which is:  adaptable, flexible, all-around, multifaceted, multitalented, resourceful; adjustable, multipurpose, all-purpose, handy; rare polytropic. I also think it’s a really nice way of saying I’m completely random. Which is sorta like life, now ain’t it? 

How It Works:

  • If you are nominated, you’ve been awarded the Versatile Blogger award.
  • Thank the blogger who nominated you and include a link to their site.
  • Copy and paste the award to your blog.
  • Share 7 random facts about yourself.
  • Nominate 15 bloggers that you’ve recently discovered or follow regularly and include a link to their site.
  • Let the other Bloggers know that you have nominated them.

So now I am supposed to tell you seven random facts about myself, so here goes:

  1. When Lillian disclosed that she had a box full of cards and personal memorabilia in her basement, she reminded me that I do too and that I wish to have mine completely untouched and cremated with me after I die.
  2. I get bent out of shape every once in a while (read: frequently) about the lack of ecological awareness everywhere and that people STILL use bottled water…
  3. I still have a pair of rollerblades in my closet.
  4. I plan to wear my GPS watch during an entire day to see how much I walk around and do on this planet on a typical day.
  5. I have two cats (I told you about them above) and I like one way more than the other. One is nice, the other’s a dick.
  6. My favorite color is periwinkle.
  7. I have an affection for anything green tea scented, flavored, or colored; I love the smell of fresh cut grass.
  8. I want to decoupage my powder room in The New Yorker covers; the illustrated girl on the cover from my birthday in 2006 looks like me (and yes, I would manage to get my luggage trapped in a revolving door)*:

*This one is for extra credit. (Lillian did an extra credit one, I wanted to too)

Here are 11  Bloggers (the original is 15, but I’m consolidating 3 posts / 3 awards into one post, so I get to say how this goes down) I Nominate because of their versatility and awesomeness: 

  1. August McLaughlin – she’s a writer’s writer, former (should still be, she’s gorgeous) model, and she knows a lot about nutrition. I’m hooked.
  2. Clotilda Jamcracker – just go to her; she’s amazing and her ability to turn a story from one incident into another is a delightful thing to witness. with a name like “Clotilda Jamcracker” you can’t lose… you know this.
  3. Happiness in this World – a buddhist physician who’s seeking out happiness in America. ’nuff said; he’s publishing a book this fall, The Undefeated Mind; I’ve been following Dr. Lickerman for about three years; he’s pretty cool and swift.
  4. Health Demystified – another medical / health fitness resource. Eric is a doctoral candidate in pharmacology this year.
  5. The Weiler Psi – woo-woo stuff, very cool, about psychics and skeptics and woo-woo.
  6. The Truth Warrior – Right now, he’s probably still in Spain after being let go from his job a couple months ago. He decided to live the life he has; check him out. I hope we’ll hear back from him soon.
  7. …the lucky one… – and she is. I know Elisa personally and she’s an inspiration to me daily. She’s like 15 minutes old and she’s already achieved so much. Elisa for president (when she’s old enough) – she is about to launch a holistic food and wellness company… check her out.
  8. Peevish Penman – they are writers who write about writing in a way that makes you want to write even if you think you can’t. The current post, “Are You a Real Writer?” is ha-ha-hilarious.
  9. Plucky Chicken Heart – Mari is a funny lady who won my heart with her cartoony periwinkle cat; now she’s into graffiti-ing pages out of vintage editions of Dickens; she’s a gal after my own plucky heart, what can I say?
  10. hovercraftdoggy – these people barely use words but their pics are cool and design-y. fun, whimsical and uplifting images.
  11. Stuff Worth Talking About – Doug Kleeman won me over with his post, “The Limitations of ‘Like’” – he’s got a good bead on how media and branding shape our world; if you’re asleep on this subject, don’t worry: Doug’s not.

Enjoy your rewards, people! I hope you can convince the people in your life how special you are and that you deserve celebrity status today. Put the button on your blog with pride.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

And last but not least (in the least)

The Very Inspiring Blogger Award (Keeping the Blogosphere a Beautiful Place) : This one goes back to last month when the lovely Stacie Brown (from above – I’m just cutting and pasting as it’s 9:42pm my blah blah time and I’m about ready to take blah blah hostages on this post: Stacie Brown – she’s a single mom working full time and getting her degree… in Texas! show this girl some love!…) was kind enough to blah blah nominate me. And she was. And she still is kind enough! I’m just sorta beat… I’ve been at this on and off since 11am and well, here are the winners I nominate and I love them all blah blah because I compiled this list about 8 hours ago, so I still mean it when I list them!

Here are the rules:

The Very Inspiring Blogger Award is an award given out by people who got one themselves and they give it out to 10 people again and so on…ok this sounds a bit confusing, but read on and you will get it :) To accept the award you have to follow some steps. They are:

  • Link back to the person who nominated you (yep done)
  • Post the award image to your page (done!)
  • Tell seven facts about yourself (see below)
  • Nominate 10 other blogs (see below) — JUST TEN!?! I’VE BEEN RESCUED! 
  • Let them know they are nominated

I’ll start with the 7 facts:

Well, wouldn’t ya know it…? I’ve already done the random facts that this award requests and I’ve done the questions. So… let’s get to the heart of the matter, shall we? 
  1. Tempo Life Coaching – Carrie is simply cool. She’s a triathlete, a life coach, a mom and a realist. That’s the hottest part of all.
  2. CarrTalks – Jody has been a good friend and mentor to me. She is a published writer, an empath and an intuitive. She has spirit guides (we all do) but she is in communication with hers … and yours if you ask her about them.
  3. Oneanna65 – cancer survivor and funny, grateful writer. She’s great – her attitude is the best: smile smile smile and truth truth truth.
  4. Peggy Arvidson – I’ve known Peggy for about three years. I met her at a Hallowe’en event nearby and she won me over the moment we met; she’s a life coach, she’s also an intuitive and a non-predictive palmist. She knew me a long time ago… we’re sure of it.
  5. Five Little Monkeys – Sarah’s got this writing gig down. She’s a part of my tribe, she’s got a big heart and a positive attitude and FIVE CHILDREN. her oldest is a teenager. Yay… Check her out!
  6. Craughing – “craughing” is the act of crying and laughing simultaneously or y’know close enough in time. if you know the craughing blog already, you’ll know how beautiful and vulnerable she is. If not, you’ll see: she’s got the heart of a lion and the touch of a dove. She’s seen some crazy shit in her life and she’s here to tell us life goes on.
  7. Breathing Space – If I look this good when I’m a grandmother, I’m gonna be so psyched! She’s awesome and she’s all over the map. I dig that. You will too.
  8. Journal of Gorzyisms – She is a traveler, a single mom of a newly teenage son, a vlogger and an artist. She has some cool pics you should check out. And I think she likes orange…
  9. The Winy Child, Inc. – check him out. He’s the real deal: little kid, inspired by Garfield has created his own comicblog.
  10. Oh Boys! – Megan is a mom of two little guys; her posts remind me of the old days and I figure I am proof she can do it…

i’m out. i hear my family laughing at a “30 Rock” rerun. i have to stop now.
Check out these pages sometime and tell them I sent ya…

Thank you … really, thank you for reading! 🙂