Today we have a guest blogger at the behest of Thing 3 who’s toddler nickname in the playroom used to be called “Osama bin Dumper, Toyorist.” So, he’s in charge for the moment. Please indulge…
I am the family god. I mean, dog. I am the family dog. I am having the 8-year-old, the smallest boy, write this for me.
I am four. I have four feet. They are webbed. They help me swim. When the lady says I can. She takes me to small lakes when the weather is good. My tail helps me steer.
I am a golden retriever. I do not retrieve gold. If they threw gold for me to get, I could not pick it up in my mouth. It would be too heavy. I would not give it to them. I would give it to the smallest boy, for helping me tell my story.
The lady calls me a “crotch torpedo.” What does that mean?
This is a story about the places I try to go to. I am often told to go away from them.
Here are some pictures of me:
Today when I was walking around the dressers, the side of the bed, the side of the refrigerator, the side of the couch, the side of the wall, the seats of the chairs, the third step, I was tasting the the toilet water with my tongue. It’s right at my nose. The lady shouted, “LEAVE IT.” So I left it. I have a bowl but I like the toilet.
The boys left their morning dishes on the table. I like toast. My tongue is long enough to reach it and I can leave my feet on the ground. That way I am not table surfing. What does that mean? I reached for the toast and the man saw me and he said, “Ah-Ah-Ah, Murphy. DROP IT.”
And I dropped it. It tasted good. I wish I ate it. I stared at it a long time. Looking at the toast. It was right there. I wish I had it. I wanted to say “Ah-Ah-Ah, Man. GO AWAY.”
I love to go on walks with the lady and the boys. I love to chase geese. They are fat and stupid, but they swim fast. The lady says I can chase geese but no ducks. I am not allowed to chase squirrels when I am on the leash.
I wanted to go inside the shed today when it started to rain. But I had to get out because the lady shouted, “OUT, MURPHY.” So I backed out. Have you ever seen a big dog try to turn around in a small shed door on a ramp in the rain? It is hard to do. I do not care if I have the prettiest feathers (do dogs have feathers? I can not fly) in the whole wide world as the lady says, it is hard to back out of a shed in the rain.
The rain drops get in my face and my eyebrows do not help me. Sometimes the lady makes me do a trick to come in. She taught me how to whisper a “password” to get in. When it is cold or rainy, I have a password: “MOVE.” But I do not know how to whisper “MOVE.” So I give the password and go in.
Yesterday, I was sniffing plants with my feet and I also sniffed the plant food (bone powder) with my mouth that the man put on the ground around some bushes. Again, the lady yelled at me, this time saying “OFF MURPHY. OFF.” So I stopped.
I like to sleep between the bed and a wall when the lady works on her desk. I sleep in the bedroom closet at night. I like small spaces. They make me feel safe. I do not like fireworks or thunder.
I have a ball in the grass. I like it when the people throw the ball. I go get it and run around the grass and trees and make them follow me. They do that for a little time until they stop and yell, “DROP IT, MURPHY” to me. So I drop it. We do it again.
On Sunday, the man and the lady stood and used sticks in a small area that they later put wire fence around. It was like a pool of dirt. It looked perfect for me. I saw them bring in more and more dirt they dumped in the area. It smelled good. The boys said it smelled like a farm. I like a farm if a farm smells like that! The bags said M-A-N-U-R-E on them. I don’t know who he is, Man Ure, but I like his smell. And that fence! The fence was to keep the people out.
Then they put in plants the lady bought. Something with small shiny leaves that smelled like chicken wings, another plant with heart-shaped grayish leaves (everything is gray to me) that smelled like rotten plants and another one with hairy leaves and tiny flowers on it; when I pushed my face into that hairy one, I smelled sour plants. I did not care about plants. I wanted to get into the pool.
They left the fence open when they went to eat.
I went in and made paw prints all over the dirt that smelled good. I was about to make water on the plants and dive into the dirt pool, but the lady shouted to the tallest boy, “Hey, get Murphy out of there! He’ll ruin everything!”
The tallest boy said, “C’mon, Murph. No. OUT!” and I stopped what I was doing and I had to get out. Maybe the dirt pool wasn’t ready.
Then they closed the fence. I can not go in the dirt pool anymore.
Today, a day early, the tutor came over to sit with the tallest boy. He “blew it royally” on a math test. Is it not good to blow it royally? I love the tutor. She pets my ears the whole time I am in the room with her when she is sitting with the tallest boy.
The lady said “COME, MURPHY.” And I left the tutor. The lady gave me a treat for that. It was good. It is time for me to go now. They are looking for the smallest boy. We are buddies.
I dedicate this to my cousin Cate. She understands me.